I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
