i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
