I feel like abortions should bother me more
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize