A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
