So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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