Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think i have two assholes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
