Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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