You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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