Someone shit on the floor
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
