It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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