if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
