I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
