Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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