Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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