taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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