i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
