i just had sex bonerless
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
