Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
