Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everything about him screamed your future.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
