thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
