Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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