If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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