guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
