so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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