i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
