this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
