Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
