Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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