You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
