You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
