spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
