Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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