Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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