She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
