Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
