I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
