she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
