i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
