This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
