Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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