i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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