using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
