You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
