bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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