I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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