I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
