i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
