I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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