Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
