you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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