Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
