pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
