My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
