chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
