I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
