Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
honey bunches of taint.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
