u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
