he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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