i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
