ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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