Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
