dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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