she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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