onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they need to just BURY HIM!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
