Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize